The Not So Secret Drinker

Well hello there beautiful souls....

If you're wondering where the heck have you been, because it's been over a year since I last wrote a blog post, you'd be right to question me...

I took most of last year due to the covid 19 pandemic in isolation with my family, their overall mental wellbeing became my primary focus, not work or me, just them...and this continued until very recently, but I wasn't quite ready to open up, to share my secrets with you & the world...

But I have also always promised to be truthful, open & transparent in order to help others, who may need a light in the dark....

So here goes...

Nobody knew, how much I was hurting inside, not even me...

Nobody knew the strength, and mental battles I went through daily, to be there for others, to be the carer, nurturer, the one who gave all of me..

Nobody knew how much that the latest time of someone crossing my boundaries, would be my breakdown... the thing to have me saying I've had enough, I don't want to be here anymore, I've had enough of this world, and everyone in it...

And nobody knew that what I thought was an occasional drink of a night time would turn into a Tuesday tipple, Wednesday wobble, Thursday try out, Friday night slow down, and oh it's the weekend it's ok...

Yet somehow Monday's escaped, and I'd hear myself saying oh it's only 2/3 or 4 glasses, I don't have a problem with drinking...

On the surface I looked like I had my shit together, my kids dressed and fed, my house tidy, managing relationships, sometimes badly, and sometimes from my own place of judgment, jealousy, I'm not enough etc, so I'd have a drink to make me feel better, to make me feel not so damn lost and lonely...

But underneath it all was this deep feeling of guilt, and shame...

Shame I had let it get to this point, shame that ultimately I was lying to others, putting on a facade of me.. oh I'm ok... when in reality, I have been far from ok...

And let me give you one simple truth...

Yep you read that right, life doesn't come with a F**king life manual, a list of to dos or should dos, it doesn't come with a written list of if the shit hits the fan do this...

No we have to figure out most of the curveballs for ourselves... and when I say my life has had lots of curveballs, it's no lie.. but I'm still here, trying to smile, be positive, but until today, still drinking...

Last night for no other reason than it was Tuesday, and I felt like it, I reached for the bottle, and yet I knew somewhere deep inside I didn't actually want it, so why was I doing it, honestly I have so idea...

When I went to bed, I felt guilty, dirty and shameful, my heart pounding, I felt sweaty, and couldn't really sleep, thoughts going round and round in my head...saying no more, I don't want to be a secret drinker, asking am I an actual alcoholic... then saying no it's only 2/4 drinks each night...

And some may say, oh but an alcoholic is someone who has 2/3/4 bottles of wine a night, or someone who drinks a bottle of vodka for breakfast and carries it on all day, every day...

Then there is the grey area in-between, you have the social drinker, the one who only drinks at parties, the one who has the odd glass at Christmas... or like me just 2/4 per night...

So you may ask.. am I an alcoholic... honestly for me the research has just begun, my journey to not drinking only began this morning..and I'm feeling very raw, scared and vulnerable to be even putting this post together...

But if it resonates, if it shines a light for someone else, if I can help another with my soul truth, then it's worth it...

This year for me is my journey to healing my heart, my mind, and my soul...

Today is day 1 of my not drinking journey.. please be kind...

And if this post resonates, please feel free to pass it on...

Hugs & Wishes

Lisa xx

 

 

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