When Breakdown Leads To Breakthrough

In the beginning...

Being a life coach, journal therapist, angelic guide, wellbeing mentor & abuse advocate wasn't always my dream, in fact my dream was to either be a professional dancer (I danced from the age of 3, and had some success in competitions) and my love of dance is still within me, or I wanted to be a nurse, looking after disabled adults ( I did this as an assistance for a while at my local hospital before I left school, and loved it, even got offered my dream job)
But my life was about to change again... as a 15 year old.. but let me tell you a little about my early childhood years...
As a very young girl, my first vivid memory being aged 3, and hiding under my mothers bed with my brother.. words, stories and creativity became a way to soothe him...when my mothers screams became to much to bear... I'd make up a story and tell him it, to calm him down, and to give me something else to focus on...
From 5, doodling, drawing, colouring and writing, making things, became my escape from the sexual abuse I was suffering, from the hurt of being abandoned by my father without a backward glance. from the severe daily bullying I was getting, which got even worse when my abuse became common knowledge, and being talked about in the local community, some of the local kids, decided I didn't deserve to be a part of where we lived, they thought I was scum... so they dragged me to the local woods, and what they did to me that day, still scars my soul, they left me battered, bleeding, not able to walk, so I had to crawl back home on my hands and knees, each shuffle on my tender knees agony, but I was determined to make it home, with barely a breath left in my body I managed to kick the partially open back door, and whisper help me before I fainted....
Aged 10 as a result of this bullying, death threats and fire bombs, we had no choice but to move to a different area... and me to a secondary school that frankly sounded terrifying...
The bullying didn't stop... because my abuse nightmare followed me.. as I ever going to be free... unfortunately not yet.... I so longed to belonged, so I became the ultimate people pleaser, the yes girl so I'd fit in...I'd give 100% of me, my time, energy and heart to anyone that asked...including relationships that hurt me and abused me...yes I still didn't learn...even when my intuition was screaming at me...
But I didn't fit me, I always felt an outsider looking in... but hey I had my creativity, my words which were still being used as stories for bedtime reading by my brother, for stories I'd make up in my head about a life that was better...

My middle...

In my late teens I became pregnant, I was petrified, the baby hadn't been planned, and my boyfriend was a control freak to say the least... but after being told as a youngster I'd never have children due to the damage caused to my body, I was determined I was keeping her, yes I instinctually knew she was a girl, however my boyfriend had other ideas, as he tried beating her out of me time and time again, which led to complications, numerous blood transfusions and hospital stays, but I kept quite about what he was doing, I was scared, until the day he pushed me down the stairs, with my girl in my arms, enough was enough...
I plucked up the courage to say I was leaving... mm not so fast, this led to being kept locked inside for 2 days while he got high.. but eventually I got out, and I ran...but let me tell you, leaving an abuser is not so easily done...
When people say just leave.. it frustrates me.. because the person abusing you, is so often your whole life, the man or woman you love, the father/mother to your children, the one controlling the money, and the roof over your head...
For me luckily the house was mine, but still he tried coming back, he took all my clothes, possessions, but he didn't take my will to protect my daughter...
But motherhood, hasn't been easy for me, my first born had hidden challenges we didn't see until much later, and I won't go into them here... but I also then went on to have 3 more children, and several lost babies in between, each pregnancy more difficult than the last, and my last one very nearly killed both me and my younger daughter...and I had to be sterilised aged 26...
My younger 3 children brought me many daily challenges with their own health and mental wellbeing needs, from being diagnosed with autism, ADHD, and severe psychotic behaviour, each child would react different to life, my home life was crumbling as I struggled to cope with no support, a cheating husband, no self esteem and overwhelming tiredness, and the comments of oh, shes got it all, a nice husband.. kids that are ok.. a home blah de blah... but what they didn't see was me crying at 2am from lack of sleep, me not knowing how to help my child who looked ok on the outside, a home I hated being in....and a marriage that didn't love or respect me... it led me to have insomnia, heart palpitations and constant worries...
Then came the day my eldest daughter decided she anted us all dead... and the decision I knew for the safety of my other kids I had to make, to get her the help she needed, I had to place her in care... it took me to a different place, a place I hated..this is when I requested counselling, and she said do you journal...
I restarted, I also created cards and jewellery, and sold them locally, it gave me a focus for me, not just being a mum, a wife, a non person... but still I felt lonely and lost....
 

Breakdown

In 2017 my world changed once again, my beloved nan, my north star, the one true guidance in my life, died... and I never got to say goodbye, or tell her I loved her, I never got to say thank you for all you did for me...and a month later I lost my 2nd granddaughter to adoption, a story for another time... because she is here with me as a daily reminder  of my decision, a decision I had no choice but to make, in her big sister for whom i'm legal guardian for...these two things led to me being in a really dark place, I lost my drive, I couldn't be bothered to fight...

But In a call from the other side, my beautiful nan literally pushed me off my chair ( whether you believe in spirits or not, i know without it, I wouldn't have jumped) and jump I did into the course I had been dreaming about for 6 years, to train to become a life coach... but one from the heart...

This led to further training and I've since trained as a spiritual & happiness coach, angelic guide & energy healer, journal therapist, and my education continues..

I've attended workshops & courses, I've collaborated and chatted with women worldwide, I co authored my first book, I'm starting writing my soul truth book, because I absolutely love the thrill of seeing another women's dreams come true...

And them wham at the end of last year another curveball of which I've already ridden through so many in my lifetime... another boundary crossed...which led me to completely shut down...

I really had, had enough of being the people pleaser, the carer for all, the punchbag for the verbal and physical, I'd literally had enough...I couldn;t carry on this way...my passion for helping others as dimmed...

But I'm a northern girl, with grit, grace and sass... I don't quit...

And so I began a very special project... my 2nd co authored book....

 

Time to fly goddess...

At this point.. my thoughts were scrambled... I could either say sod it, and be beaten... or I could get my arse back up of the floor, like I had so many times before, and say my soul purpose is bigger than my curveballs... and it so bloody well is...

I was given an amazing opportunity with several other heart led goddess omen to write...to share my story...my experiences to help another women to reclaim herself..and to guide her to rewrite her own story...

I want to live my life, by my own design, my rules, using my energy to fuel my soul fire...

My soul purpose is to impact 1 million women, to know that they are not their past story, yes it may shape the woman you have become, but it doesn't damn well define you, you can live life by your own design...your future story is yet unwritten...

I want to guide them to stand in their full soul power, to feed the fire in their bellys to unlock their long forgotten dreams, to build an unshakable confidence...to say you my love are a beautiful curveball queen...

I want to share my knowledge, skills, creativity, words and purpose, because I know I can make a difference... how do I know this...

Because I am you.. I have been there, lived it, breathed through the fire, walked through the curveballs crying, forgotten who I am, and who I was, forgotten my why, yet determined to rise..

But not anymore... it's time to fly...And I want to help you fly too...

Hugs & Wishes

Lisa xx

 

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